Everyone thinks they have Chochmas HaPartzuf—that they can tell from the person’s face not only their character but, more importantly, whether they would have the ideal relationship with that person. Fifty years of research—including my Master’s thesis—proves this is a wrong assumption.
This false belief is the root cause of the trend toward speed dating and dating sites, and fuels the knee-jerk reaction to say no to a shidduch suggestion when all you have is a one-page “resume” and maybe a picture. It’s the same assumption that makes mixers not only useless and counterproductive but a complete exercise in futility—and more often than not, a degrading humiliation.
The second idiocy is physical attraction. Unless he is the Elephant Man—grotesquely deformed—physical attraction is the consequence of the relationship, not the cause. She may be extremely beautiful to you at first, but when you discover her ugly side, you will suddenly see her as ugly. It’s a quick and unexpected flip. The Gemara says that a man should see his wife before marrying her, lest he sees something repulsive in her and won’t be able to fulfill the commandment of loving her as himself.[1] Physical attraction is not static—it shifts. In fact, it varies with the estrus cycle, and research shows that a woman is most physically attractive at the point in her cycle when she would be going to the mikveh—even if she’s not Jewish and has never heard the word. That’s how human biology is wired.
דאמר רב יהודה אמר רב אסור לאדם שיקדש את האשה עד שיראנה שמא יראה בה דבר מגונה דף מא-אמסכת קידושין פרק ב
The third nail in the coffin is the hypercritical, judgmental mindset, which might be functional when considering a business deal or a partnership. It’s called due diligence. But despite what the media keeps repeating, marriage is not a partnership. It’s a relationship. In a partnership, it’s transactional—if it’s not profitable, dissolve it. Marriage, at the very least, is transformative. And when Hashem is central, it becomes transcendent. The Ramchal says what exists between a man and his wife isn’t just holy—it’s the Holy of Holies.
There is only one thing.
The relationship.
The Maharal drives this home. He says that Torah is called “the good wife,” and Gehinnom is called “the bad wife.” Why? Because Torah connects you to Hashem, and in Gehinnom that connection is lost. So the difference between “He who found a wife found good” and “I find a woman more bitter than death” is not about the woman—it’s about the connection. Where there is connection, it is good. And where there is no connection, it is worse than death.
The Maharal made a Golem.
We also make a Golem. In dating. Mindless looking for the wrong things.
Because when you value the relationship—really value it—nothing else is that important to ruin it.
Nothing.
In Adam’s prophetic words: “Therefore a man shall abandon his father and mother and cling to his wife.”
Cling. Get it?
IT'S CALLED AFFECTIVE FORECASTING
One of the more surprising findings is how bad we are at predicting how we’ll feel—about anything. Graduating, buying a house, getting married.
Spending your life with someone is a cacophony of moments—highs, lows, and everything in between. But the brain can’t handle chaos, so it tries to impose order, searching for patterns, creating the illusion of consistency where there is none.
And here is the most profound paradox: It is precisely because we cannot perfectly predict how love will feel—that love becomes something we create. Affective forecasting fails because human connection is dynamic. And that failure is not a flaw. It is an invitation.
The mystery of the heart is not meant to be solved in advance. It is meant to be met with courage, with trust, and with the humility to say, “I do not know how it will feel—but I am willing to find out, again and again, with you.”
That is not the end of love.
That is where it begins.